Dear Snow. Can you please stop showing up uninvited. My chihuahuas start crying and whimpering every time they step into you. Every morning I have to carry both of them under the Ben Franklin Bridge where it doesn't snow so that they can pee without freezing their toes off. It's very strenuous and I would appreciate it if you took a hiatus until I move to FL.
Dear Wii. I love your interactive controllers very much and would never cheat on you with stupid Xbox or PS3 but can you please stop producing games with crappy pixelated graphics. For such an innovative product, your visual graphics are comparable to my 80's Atari games.
Dear Airlines. What is the point of giving me salty peanuts or pretzels on a flight where 90% of the water in my body has been sucked out by the dry air? Your salty snacks make me drink 20x more water, take 20 more trips to the bathroom and bug the person sitting next to me to get up 20x more. Can you just please serve me some water ice?
Dear Haters. When you write a mean comment on my blog, please don't do so anonymously. If you are going to write a comment good or bad, state your name and have some pride in your comment. The fact that you put "Anonymous" shows me that A. You are scared of me finding out who you are or B. You do not believe in your own comment and are writing it out of spite.
Dear Keurig Coffee Maker. You have made this night owl look forward to waking up every morning. I used to dread setting up the machine and brewing my coffee every morning but now with the press of a button, you make my cinnabon coffee perfecto every time.
Dear Diet. You suck, you suck, you suck. I miss my chocolates, chips and cookies. I also miss my fruit loops in the morning. I even stopped drinking alcohol for you and have been feeling way too sober lately. Can't you just make this easier for me? I would very much appreciate a calorie-free, sugar-free and fat-free chocolate brownie sundae on my doorstep tomorrow morning.
Dear Boyfriend. I am aware that every girl in Philadelphia is jealous of me because I have found the gold mine of boyfriends but it's very hard to compete with you sometimes. I'm used to outshining my partner so let's be more equal. By this I mean don't change a damn thing!! You and I = Power Couple.
Dear Comcast. Screw you for doing some digital crap so that all TVs that are not connected directly to the cable box don't work anymore. I can't watch TV in bed before I go to sleep anymore so I end up watching TV and falling asleep on the living room couch. I never have problems with my internet service.....maybe because I use CLEAR!!
Dear Boobs. What is the point of losing weight if you start shrinking away with my body? Do I really have to choose between a rock hard body or big bouncy boobs? Is this God's way of balancing out the world?
Dear Facebook Club Promoters. The occasional party invite is totally cool with me but when I start receiving daily invites from you, you become like a dull needle endlessly poking me in the eye. I know this is how you make a living and there is no avoiding it but OMG my Facebook inbox is so filled up with your crap I can't even find messages from friends or potential business opportunities.
Tags: letter, rant