I Kissed Tiger Woods in Hollywood

I have never experienced so many different environments in such short a time as I did last week. I went from the dry, barren deserts of Arizona to the warm tropical air of California to the snow blizzard in Pennsylvania all in seven days. EW ended up spending $5,000 on our week long trip, but it was well worth it!

As much as I hate shelling out $22 for every cocktail, I would have to say that Hollywood was my favorite place to visit. I didn’t get to see any celebrities though...damn it! What is up with that? You would think they would be standing on every corner.

Here are a few things I learned on my LA/Scottsdale trip:

-Tiger Woods is hot so I decided to be his next mistress.
-You can look sexy while climbing a mountain...ok maybe I was posing a little bit.



-Cheese steaks at Philadelphia Sandwich Company are better than Pat’s and Geno’s

-Film crews have access to places you do not! So special they are.

-The W Hotel has crystal encrusted peep holes! This idea will be incorporated into my dream house.

-Dying in a scene from “Psycho” can be done in style...with Dior sunglasses on.

-EW thinks I am a pain in the ass while mountain climbing. Well I think he shouldn't be running down the stairs with a camera in his hands :) Safety first!

-The W Hotel in Scottsdale has Hugh Hefner-esque rotating beds to lounge on. I do not know why I was enamored with them, but I was, and spent quite some time on them.

My Dogs Are Better Than The Men I Date

A dog is for life

Dogs admit when they're jealous
When a guy is jealous of another man, he will deny it like his life depends on it. When Gucci gets jealous of another man touching me, he will snap and growl and claim his territory! It makes me feel so wanted and loved.

Dogs are easy to buy for
I can’t tell you how many times I have bought something for a guy only for him to stuff it into the back of his closet and never use it again. But when I shop for London and Gucci, I know for a fact that as long as whatever I buy is either fluffy and squeaky or meaty, they will absolutely love it.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas
OK, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops
I can rarely force a man to go clothes shopping with me. But dogs will patiently wait for you and they will never criticize your purchases afterward.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius
When I microwave a hot dog, Gucci and London stare at it like I just cooked the tastiest meal on Earth. And if I happen to give them a few bites, they praise the ground I walk on for the rest of the day and call me the Iron Chef of Philadelphia.

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the woman
London is the fart machine in our family, and when he lets one go he just stares at his ass for a few seconds and then goes back to sleep. He fully acknowledges that he is the one that stunk up the room. Men are always trying to put the blame on you.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you
A kiss from a dog says "I love you, I love you, do you love me? Because I love you!". A kiss from a guy says "Will you blow me tonight and massage my back until I fall asleep leaving you unsatisfied?".

Dogs don't mind having a pink wardrobe
Both of my dogs are male and both have wardrobes that consist of pink and glittery outfits. And let me tell you, neither of them have complained once. I once bought a pink shirt for my boyfriend, and he looked at is as if I was punking him. As the saying goes, only a real man can wear pink and look good!

We be gangsta Yo!

Foods I Love To Eat, That You Hate To Eat

I grew up in a Ukrainian family where my grandma cooked real Ukrainian cuisine. Most of the food I ate was pretty normal, but a few things that I grew to love were nowhere near normal. I ate these foods as a kid, back before I realized most people thought they were gross foods. If I had never eaten these foods as a kid, and had been offered them in adulthood, there is no way I would have tried them.

Here are the foods I love to eat, that you hate to eat:

Caviar (fish eggs) – Most people in the US think of caviar as a delicacy and only have it at fancy cocktail parties. But in Ukraine, having caviar in your fridge is like having milk in your fridge. It's a necessity. My favorite is red caviar on top of a buttered baguette. YUM! Caviar on a thin crepe is pretty damn good as well.



Canned Sprats – Sprats are delicious on bread and butter, but I prefer to eat them right out of the can. Although I can never eat a fish with its head still attached, sprats are the one exception. Growing up, we always had a can or two in the fridge to snack on.



Fried Liver – This meat has a very gamey taste that most hate. In fact, liver was voted the # 1 most hated food in America. When I was served this as a child I never knew it was liver, therefore I enjoyed it thoroughly.



Chicken Hearts – Chicken hearts are small and tough. They almost taste gamey and metallicy. But, they have something about them that I really like. Maybe it’s the fact that you can pop them into your mouth like little popcorn kernels.



Meat Jelly – This dish looks absolutely disgusting, but it is delicious with some spicy red horse radish on the side. It consists of random pieces of meat congealed in a meat based stock.



Milk Soup – It’s so simple. Noodles + warm milk + sugar + butter = the best breakfast ever created!



Cow Tongue – If I knew that what I was eating when I was a kid was a cow tongue, I would have probably puked in my mouth. To me, this was just another random delicious meat that my granny made me. It was in fact cow tongue sliced into thin, porous, chewy pieces with taste buds and all. I still eat it to this day while trying to block out the reality of what I’m actually eating.



Bone Cartilage – 99.9% of people eat the meat off of the chicken bone and throw out the rest. Ukrainians believe that the shiny hard stuff on the end of the bone is the best part of the chicken leg. And guess what? They are right! Not only is it very healthy for you, but the crunchy goodness of it is so satisfying that I’m craving some this very moment.

Sunshine, Ocean and Mojitos

So, I just returned from another magnificent mini vacation from San Juan, Puerto Rico. I returned to below freezing temperatures in Philadelphia and I am not too happy about it. Thankfully, I am headed to Scottsdale on Thursday and then off to LA for 5 days. It won’t be warm enough to get a tan at either of those places, but 70 degrees is much better than the 20 degrees I am currently experiencing!
Anyway, back to the trip, it was one of my favorite PR trips of all time because EW only had to work one day and we got to spend a lot of time together. And I got oh so close to crossing one of the things off of my life list (hang gliding), but the sucky weather prevented us from jumping off the cliff. At least I got to stand on the cliff! Even though I almost peed my pants.

So here are some of memorable moments from my trip to sunshine heaven.

-Getting an insanely good shot of me jumping on the beach. I was drunk when it was taken and everyone was staring at me like I was a little bit crazy in the head. But the shot was worth it!


-Dinner at Delirio, a beautiful restaurant located in a huge, red mansion. Mmmm, the seared tuna, scallops, lime risotto, mashed yucca, cod ceviche, beef fajita salad, chocolate truffle goodness of it all.


-Stopping in the middle of the jungle to eat some real Puerto Rican food cooked in some locals’ front yard.


-EW getting so drunk the on first day that he started doing cartwheels in the water. (If you look closely you can see his iphone slipping out of his pocket and falling into the sand)


-Partying at Brava, the hottest nightclub in PR located conveniently inside our hotel. This club made me decide that Puerto Rican woman are unfairly beautiful, and I want one for Christmas!



-Fried cheese cube man named Eduardo. (I am the best at making food people, kind of like a special talent).


-Mallorcas at the famous La Bombonera. They are the most fattening pieces of doughy heaven imaginable.


-A cougar telling me how gorgeous she thinks I am even though she’s not a lesbian. Her cougar friends agreeing with her.


-Driving 30 minutes up a mountain to hang glide, and having to turn around and leave because our take-off spot was inside of a rain cloud.


-Getting soaking wet while standing in a rain cloud talking to some cool ass people.


-Stunning jungle views on top of a jungle mountain with a bunch of jungle people around us.


A few random photos for your viewing pleasure:







A short video of my wonderful weekend in San Juan, Puerto Rico:

A Closet Geek

Closet Geek - A person who is truly a geek at home, but maintains a public persona that is not geeky.

I am officially a closet geek and proud of it! I don’t exactly hide my geekiness; I just don’t have any geeky friends that I can share my geekiness with. Now don’t get me confused with nerds or dorks who are mostly socially inept. We geeks are classified by our obsessive love for Harry Potter, video games, computer blogs, etc. So don’t be fooled by my outward appearance, I am definitely a geek at heart.

I tend to have “in the scene” friends since my job forces me to be around very social and outgoing people. And, although I absolutely love being the social Jewelz and going out every chance I get, I also enjoy playing my Nintendo Wii for 5 hours straight while ignoring all of my friend’s calls.

I remember the day I got addicted to video games. I was in elementary school and my mom bought me an Atari. I had no clue what it was at first. It was almost like a movie on the TV screen that I had complete control of. I even remember my first two games, Sonic and Pitfall. For those of you who had Atari back in the day, you know how fricking awesome those games were in all of their pixelated glory.

I then moved on to computer games which I played throughout my high school career. And finally, after many years of not wanting to try a console, I upgraded to the Wii. From then on, the Wii and I have had a wonderful relationship. It even weighs me and helps me keep the weight off with Wii Fit.



As for Harry Potter, that is my second geeky obsession that I can never let go of. I started reading Harry Potter books before anyone knew who Harry Potter was. I read my first HP book in 2nd grade, and 1 year later the books turned into a phenomenon. There have been many nights where I lay awake thinking what it would be like to be in the wizarding world and how awesome it would be to leave my reality. And no, I am not embarrassed to admit it.

Although I come off as very girly, glam (or glitzy as my friend calls me), I have this geeky side of me that people who know me well just have to accept. Guys that I have dated in the past have actually loved this side of me because I can totally kick their ass in a video game and for some reason they find it sexy. Go figure, I will never understand men.

On another note, I recently did a photo shoot with the amazing Michael Spain-Smith so here is a small preview photo from the shoot. More photos will be added soon!

Toys That Make Me Feel Old

As I was shooting zombies in Resident Evil 4 on my wii console the other day, I began thinking about the toys that used to entertain me 15 years ago.

My childhood toys were so simple yet so effective. They were so good that they still keep children entertained to this day. Here are a few toys that made my childhood memorable:



Furby - Arguably the most annoying toy ever made.
Polly Pocket - I cried when I didn't get the Polly Pocket Mansion one year.
Lite Brite - Kept me occupied and hypnotized for hours on end.
Operation - The buzzer always scared the shit out of me.
Gak - It was slimy. It was gross. It was awesome!
Slinky - It was impossible to entangle once tangled.
Legos - Enough said. A classic.
Viewfinder - It was like TV in your eyes. I only had one Cinderella slide.
Hungry Hippos - The competitor in me loved smashing the hippos.
Atari - Screw Wii. I was the master of Pitfall.
Silly Putty - Silly putty plus newspaper was the coolest thing ever.
Giga Pet - I fed it, cleaned its poop, and buried it when it died.
Easy Bake Oven - Tons of gross, soup-like brownies were made with this.
Moon Shoes - I'm surprised I didn't kill myself with these things.
Barrel of Monkeys - These would show up everywhere weeks after playing with them.

Beach Day

While tanning on my beach chair today, I people watched for a little bit and noticed 3 beach fashion statements that I just don’t get.

1. The One-Piece Bikini
This has always been my favorite type of bathing suit and I think they are very sexy, but how on Earth do you tan while wearing one? Your tan line would kind of look like you got a hard-on while tanning (If a girl could) and then fell asleep. I just don’t think a skunk stripe going up your belly is very attractive.

2. The Micro Bikini
I’m sure most guys will disagree with me on this one, but I think it’s disgusting when females with huge breasts wear barely there bikini tops. Don’t get me wrong, I think large breasts are beautiful and definitely need to be shown off, but not with a nipple pasty that’s imitating a bikini top! I saw quite a few of these girls on the beach and they all seemed to be in their late 30’s. Can we say “mid-life crisis breast augmentation” show offs!

3. The Saggy Butt
There is absolutely no excuse for girls to have bikini bottoms that look like they have taken a dump in them. With the wonderful invention of the Brazilian-cut and scrunchy-butt bikini bottoms, every girl should have a form fitting bikini bottom at the beach.

Philly Hot List

I worked at the Philadelphia Style Magazine “Hot List” party last week and it was, as usual, one of my favorite events to dance at. Many different restaurants in the city set up stands that offer free food samples and drinks for all of the event attendees. And although I was not able to try any of the food (I can’t eat before I dance because I get bloated and begin to look pregnant), I did sample two milkshake cocktails which were delicious. Unfortunately I forgot which vendor the drinks came from so I cannot give any credit to them.

Kristiann and I were dancing for Zee Bar so we were stationed at the entrance of their private smoking lounge. Every time we went up to dance, the lounge would quickly fill up with people so we definitely did our job well. It seemed like every 5-10 minutes someone I know would come up to me and say hi while I was dancing. That is one thing I love about Philadelphia, it’s a large city but everyone seems to know each other.

I also had at least 10 different people come up to me to notify me that they were friends with me on Facebook. Which got me thinking, if I have over 1,500 friends on Facebook from my area, what are the chances of one of them being a murderer/pervert/rapist? Probably a really good chance! And my posting where I work every night on Facebook is probably not a very good idea! Oh well, it is what it is.

After working at the event, I headed to Zee Bar’s official after party with Kristiann and my friends. We all had an amazing time there and I got to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in a long time. We definitely drank WAY too much, but it was all in good fun. I tried to teach Kristiann some salsa moves (I learned some in Mexico a couple months ago) but she was way too drunk and looked kind of funny doing it. And later I got into an interesting conversation with a police sergeant guy who carried 9/11 photographs with him. Weird man.

When we were all ready to go home, sitting in the car, my friend mentioned to me how the police sergeant guy I was talking to had a passport that looked just like mine. So I looked into my purse and saw that my passport was missing! Next, came the drunken scavenger hunt for my passport. I stayed in the car hoping it would be found since I do not have a state ID (I left it at a gas station when I was 19 and never felt like getting a new one). Thankfully it was found pretty quickly and the sergeant apologized for mixing the ID up with his 9/11 photos. Ye Right! All in all, it was a great night in the city of Philadelphia.

In other news, I will be a judge at this years Diamond G-string event at Delilah's! The winner will also be crowned Miss Exotica Pennsylvania, so come out to Delilah's Wednesday night!

Fashion Sense

Every major city that I visit has a completely different fashion style. An outfit I would normally wear to a club in Miami would never work in Philadelphia. Likewise, an outfit I would wear in New York, most likely would be to plain for Las Vegas. I do not have four separate wardrobes but I do restrict myself from wearing certain things in certain cities. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to be able to travel a lot, so all of my outfits get to be worn a fair amount. Here is how I separate my different outfits:

Miami
The “Miami slutty-ho” look is totally in style in South Beach, and will guarantee you entrance into any club of your choosing. Hell, even girls walking their dogs are sporting the sexy, skimpy look. Another popular trend in Miami is very short, very tight, micro- shorts with stilettos. You cannot go wrong with this look, especially if you have the legs for it. The Miami heat gives all of the girls a reason to wear as little clothes as possible. Oh, how I love my Miami clothes!

New York
New York is all about black no matter how many people want to deny it. New York may be the fashion capital of the US, but the majority of the public is one huge blob of black. Now this isn’t a bad thing because it’s not so much about the color, it’s about how you wear the color. New York is one of the most creative and diverse cities I have ever been to, and some of the fashion styles I have witnessed are incredible. Every girl has the perfect little black dress and knows how to make it look glam, sexy and classy. Match it with a pair of “sex red” stilettos, and you will break necks on the streets.

Philadelphia
Philadelphia is a much more casual and conservative version of New York. The dress codes at the nightclubs and bars are not as strict thus many people lack in the style department. A girl who has great fashion sense and is well put together can easily steal the show anywhere she goes because there are not many of these girls in the city. If you attempt to wear a “Miami” outfit in Philadelphia, people will stare at you and wonder which strip club you just got done working at. You can blame the lack of style on the cold weather, but I blame it on people’s general laziness.

Las Vegas
Las Vegas is the city of entertainment, and your outfits need to be as entertaining as the city. Las Vegas gives you the chance to go wild and not give a shit what people think of you. Trust me, your outfit cannot be any sillier than the 20 thousand bachelorettes wearing penis hats on their heads. So, bring out your crazy sparkly dress and that pink wig you never wore, and get crazy in Vegas!

Guido Guys

I have been spending a lot of time in Atlantic City this summer and I have never seen so many Guidos all in one place. The Guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry. Many Guidos have gelled, spikey hair, are tanned orange, have a steroid physique, and love pink polo shirts with the collar popped. They usually wear gold chains, spend way more money than they have, and are obnoxiously cocky. The only people that can actually stand these guys are the female versions, the Guidettes.

This is extremely embarrassing to say, but I used to be attracted to Guidos back when I was 18/19 and stupid. All young girls get sucked into the “I’m bad” and “I’m cool” type of guy, but it wears off quick as soon as the girl grows up and learns a few things. Now they are just fascinating to me and I especially love watching them dance.

Here are some extremely important rules to being a true Guido:

1. If your last name is not Italian, blatantly lie and make one up that sounds good enough to convince a bimbo girl to think you have mob ties oozing out your pores.

2. All eyebrows must be waxed to a perfect 90 degree angle.

3. Make sure you tell the young impressionable girl you’re trying to sleep with that you can get her and her friends a bottle in the VIP even though you only scrape about $325.00 a week delivering pizzas.

4. You must wear a sweatband on one forearm because it looks good.

5. You must claim to come from a rich family even if your father is a mailman.

6. You must play either hard core techno music or house music in your car and nothing else even if your have an urge to play something else.

7. You must claim to have “connections” with the nightclub bouncer even though he only knows you as “buddy.”

8. You must go tanning as often as humanly possible.

9. You must begin juicing in mid February to get in peak balloon condition by Memorial Day Weekend.

10. You must still live at home with your mommy and daddy in order to save enough money to lease a low end BMW or Mercedes Benz.

Well there you have it. Below is a photo of a Guido trying to copy my photograph, WTF?