I Get Naked In A Giant Champagne Glass

Yes, I really did swim around in a giant champagne glass...naked...but that's not important.

EW and I decided to get away for a romantic night last weekend. We decided to stay at Paradise Stream in the Poconos mountains.

I've heard some mixed reviews about this place but it's not the place that defines your stay, it's who you are with. So all of these bitchy old ladies that complain about every little thing at a resort, you are really complaining about your husbands. You just don't know it!

So we booked one night in the Champagne Towers which looked like the funnest room out of the many options they had to offer. The lobby was alright, nothing special. They had some pretty flower arrangements I guess....



EW picked out our activities for the day in his cute little Ferragamo shoes while we waited for our room.



He signed us up for archery (I totally sucked and only got 2 arrows onto the target), biking (my first time riding in about 5 years! It's true, you never forget how to ride a bike), bocce ball (stupid game), boating, shopping (duh), and horseback riding.

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When we first walked into our room, the first thing I noticed was the enormous, very hard to miss, champagne glass jacuzzi with starlights above it. "Oh my godddd...take a picture...take a picture!!" was the first thing I yelled as I flung my camera at EW's face and ran to pose next to it.



The next thing I noticed was a beautiful heart shaped pool on the opposite side of the living room. I wonder how many people have had sex in that water..ugh gross.



Our bedroom had a Hugh Hefner-esque round bed. I immediately jumped on it and tried to find the button that made it spin. Damn bed didn't spin, but was still pretty cool in a tacky/novelty kind of way.



Ok, enough about the room. You can use your imagination with what went on in there.

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As soon as we got settled we went to Mountain Creek for some horseback riding. Now I've had some horseback riding nightmares in my past, so I made sure that there would be no galloping on this trip.



I got a skinny little white horse named Cotton. Apparently she was the fastest horse they have but that day she decided to be lazy and stop every 2 minutes while everyone looked at me like it was my fault my horse was being stupid.

Look! I'm a real cowgirl.

I liked my horse before I found out it sucked at walking.

EW got a big fat horse named Pedro.

Pedro is obviously a boy, and EW looks way too happy to be sitting on a boy horse.

Our horses didn't like each other much but posed long enough for us to take this adorable picture. Damn babe, your arms are getting big :)


Even though my horse caused much turmoil during the trip, and my butt became permanently bruised because my lack of butt cushioning, it was tons fo fun and the scenery was great to look at. Yes I took this while holding the horse with one hand. I'm a woman therefore I can multitask :)



After the butt assault, we did my fav sport, shopping, where I got so much Coach crap for only $225! I bought a cute tote for when I travel by plane and a laptop sleeve to match. Unfortunately, my laptop won't fit into the damn thing so if anyone wants a 14'' Coach laptop sleeve for $50 (retail price $78), email me!



We finished a day off on the lake where we went on this weird boat thing where you use these pedal things. I don't know the name and I really don't feel like googling it so here is a pic. You can see the boat behind us.



The lake was small but kind of romantic and totally reminded me of that one scene in the notebook where the two of them are in their boat and they jump into the lake. We didn't do that because my fish phobia would probably cause me to hyperventilate even at the thought of jumping in.

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That night, we went to a live game show of "Not So Newlyweds" where they asked married couples very x-rated (and utterly disgusting questions) about their sex lives. Some memorable ones were:

Host: What would you like your wife to do to you more often?

Huge Black Guy: Eat my ass out!

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Host: What is the weirdest thing that has been in your vagina?

Librarian-Looking Lady: A two-headed worm tickler!

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Host: What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you during sex?

Sad Looking Man: I got my wife pregnant.

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Host: What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you during sex?

Young Guy: I was doing my wife, and my dog sniffed my ass during.

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Damn people in the Poconos are NASTY!

News Update - I'm going to New Orleans on Thursday! I haven't been there since I was 15 and I need my beignet fix!

Pictures soon!

I Have Horrible Baby/Dog Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare a few weeks ago and it still makes me shudder just to think about it. Imagine the one thing that means the most to you in life being taken away right before your eyes in a painful and torturous way. Well that pretty much sums up my dream.

The day before my dream, a friend was telling me how his mom's dog had been run over and she had to witness her beloved dog with its eye popped out. Bleh. Well I guess that's where the origins of my dream came from.

In my dream, I was peacefully relaxing in my front yard (for some reason I was at my mom's house in the suburbs) while my little chihuahua, Gucci, was frolicking around in the daisies. The next thing I know, he runs out into the middle of the road an this huge truck runs right over his tiny little neck.

I'm getting a little freaked out just writing about it. Anyway, I run in front of the truck and throw myself onto the hood of the car and yell for the fucking asshole to stop. So what does he do? He backs up...right back over my poor babies neck!

At this point, I'm hyperventilating and in tears and as I look at Gucci I see the most disturbing sight in the world. Gucci is laying on his side and his poor little neck is literally attached by a tiny piece of skin and that's all!!!!! He's still alive and yelping as loud as he can and staring right into my eyes. My chest felt like it was on fire...WTF DO I DO??!??

And then I woke up.

I woke up and I had tears streaming down my face, my whole entire body hurt from tensing my muscles so hard, and my heart was pounding. I swear that dream caused some serious stress because the whole day I felt like crap and could not bring myself to do anything. The dream was so realistic, It was like it really happened.

How can you watch a sweet little face like this get run over and not have a heart attack?

I hugged Gucci for that whole day and did not let him out of my site. And from now on when I walk him, if he gets anywhere near the road you better believe he's getting yelled at. I just wish he knew it was for his own good.

You see, my puppies are my children. I do just about everything a real mom does except that my kids will never grow up.

I cook for my babies.

I play with my babies.

I dress my babies in the winter.

I feed my babies.

I teach my babies new tricks.

I tuck my babies in at night.

I pull the poop out my babies butts when it gets stuck.

I brush my babies' teeth.

I let my babies date out of their league.

I bathe my babies.

I discipline my babies.

I take my babies to the park.

I go shopping with my babies.

I hold my babies over the sink when they need to throw up.

I have play dates with my babies.

I cuddle with my babies.

I rock my babies to sleep.

I don't even cut my babies' balls off because would you do that to your own child?

See, it's obviously much harder to take care of these babies than real babies.

Why do dogs live shorter lives than humans?

Humans are put on earth to learn important life lessons - mainly how to love and spread love. This can takes decades.

A dog is born knowing how to spread love and joy and therefore its time on earth is not needed to be longer.

Soppy, I know.

I Pig Out and Drink Lemon Drops

I had a very eventful week which was nice coz I was able to spend a ton of fun time with friends and EW. And the weather was nice! And I totally got to pig out which I haven't done in way too long.

On Wednesday, I went to Positano Coast's Lemon Drop Party. If you haven't been there before, GO NOW! Their food is so delicious, but what else would you expect from Aldo Lamberti?

So back to the party, they had this cute stand with a bunch of lemons cut in half with the lemon part scooped out of the skins. And they used these little half lemon skins as shot glasses for the lemon drop shots. How cute!!

Notice the lemon shot stand in the background.

The whole place was beautifully decorated with larges vases filled with lemons and flowers. I just love when events are themed. It makes everything so much more unique and not BLAH like most events in Philly.



Definitely the coolest part of the event was the Absolut Berri Acai photo booth where they were filming short videos of people and turning them into flip books. After a few drinks, I summed up the courage to go under the bright lights to make a video with EW.

Of course we did the cliche kissing video but whatever...I wanted to make a damn kissing video so that when we don't kiss anymore (never going to happen) I can be like look babe...we used to be so cute together and in love!



The video is a little blurry, but you can still see how cute we are. We actually planned the whole 6 second video, arm movement and all. That just shows EW's Virgo personality where he needs to plan everything to a T. I, on the other hand, would've just done something random when the the guy said action.

Thursday, I went with 2 friends to Sumo for Jeremy Maclin's, an Eagles players, birthday party.

I was having a ton of fun with my girls until we decided to join the Eagles players at their table. And big surprise, football players are so annoying and egotistical and just UGH. I only know one NFL player that is actually a cool guy, Alex! But the majority do not know how to talk to a woman with respect.

Jasmine and I at Sumo

On Saturday, I was booked (Jewelz Entertainment) to dance at a Wharton Graduation Party at a penthouse in center city. All I have to say is "Damn, I didn't know business kids could party like that" :)



It was a great event and the place was so packed with tons of grads. Everyone loved us except for the few girls that made nasty comments behind our backs like "what, she couldn't find a better job?" or "whose idea was it to hire strippers?"

Stupid Bitch, I'm not a stripper and I made more an hour tonight than you will make an hour for the first 10 years of your post grad life. And not to mention all of the girls who made these rude comments were beyond ugly. Not just plain, but BEYOND.

The prettiest girl at the party, a beautiful blonde, actually came up to us and let us know how great were, and how we completely made the party.

And that is the reason I surround myself with people who have great self-esteem, are good looking, and have a ton of confidence. These people don't bring you down when they feel jealous or spiteful of you.

Poor Ew, I spent about an hour ranting to him about the stupid ugly bitches and he sat there the whole time and listened to me. Honestly, I think he tuned me out at one point because his eyes kind of glazed over. But I still love my baby.

Sunday had to be the funnest day of all. When I woke up around noon, EW told me we were going to the Italian Market Festival. Our convo went something like this:

EW: We're going to the Italian Market Festival. Get your butt off the sofa and get ready!

Me: Whatttt? It's a Sunday, and I'm lazy. No thanks.

EW: They will have food.

Me: ........

EW: And you can pig out...

Me: OK!!!



So we went, and it was freaking awesome! Can you say pig out central. I ate twice my weight that day and still wanted more! Here is what I had to eat in about 2 hours time (EW might have shared with me but still!)

-Roast pork Sandwich
-Italian Sausage Sandwich
-Cannoli
-Pizza
-2 Coronas
-Margarita
-Long island iced tea

If you don't think that seems like a lot, well then just look at this photo (all of that was in my tummy)

Look how happy we look after eating all that food! Is that a Zoolander face? Hah!

After a whole day of eating, drinking and walking, EW totally passed out with the kids for a few hours. If he ever finds out I put this photo up he will kill me but I cannot resist. I have a beautiful family!



And I will end this post with a nasty pig head for your viewing pleasure! So gross. I hate how they humiliate the poor pigs with the freakin apple. Stupid stupid.



I'm headed to Poconos this Friday for a little romantic getaway so get ready for some photos of champagne glass shaped jacuzzis!

I Rant About Men Instead Of Therapy

There is a certain person in the city who up until recently I thought was an OK guy, but now I kind of want to stab him in the face. Oh, how things change quickly. I feel like I'm currently living in an episode of "The Hills" and no one wants their lives compared to that TV show.

TRUST ME

So this guy, who will go unnamed (actually, I will call him Meatball coz his head looks like a giant, lumpy meatball), spread some horrible rumors about me a few months ago and every person I have been out with has heard about it one way or another. Thank goodness no one actually believes Meatball, but it's still hurtful and most of all annoying!!

I wish I could just post a photo of this loser. But that would just bring me down to his level. Wait, I have a better idea! Here is a pretty accurate artist's rendition of this guy so that you have a better picture of who I am talking about.



Let me see, he is tall, FAT, semi-long hair for a guy, and is in serious need of a tan (the meatball makes him look tanner than he really is). All of these unfortunate physical traits could potentially be overlooked if he was a genuine guy. But no, he is a total LOSER.

If I lived in New York I probably wouldn't mind a stupid little rumor. But unfortunately, everyone knows everyone in Philadelphia. I can't even go to one restaurant, club, lounge, or bar without EW and I seeing people we know.

I have been trying to keep away from a certain crowd in the city that I call the "trouble crowd". You know, the people that are in their 30s and their biggest goal in life is to go to the hottest parties at the hottest clubs.

LIKE SERIOUSLY...

Philadelphia doesn't even have a good nightlife. Our nightlife is actually the butt of many jokes in cities that have a great nightlife.

Ok wow, my rant has gone way off subject now. Let me see...Meatball..um yes...from now on, I am staying away from you as much as I can. I can't believe how many times I have nicely said hi to you without knowing you were the source of this rumor.

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Ok, now that I am already hating on this one guy, I might as well hate on a few more.

What is up with these creepy Facebook guys and their creepy messages?

1.

Ok, well I don't want you or that creepy picture of Obama in my inbox.

2.

Is this an incomplete sentence or bad grammar? I like free sex, but then again I've never paid for it... I will have to get back to you on that.

3.

I really think this guy found me on Facebook by searching girls with a Jewish last name. Well guess what buddy? You're out of luck coz I dont believe in religion OR god. And do you really need me to reject you on Facebook, Skype, email, and on the phone?

4.

If you spoil me anymore than EW does already, you would be considered a sugar daddy. And that's just not possible because you look like you're 18 years old.

5.

I am delicious. I taste like strawberries :)

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Ok I am done ranting. That felt damn good! All woman should have a rant about men once in a while. It's better than therapy!

Let me hear all your rants!

I Swing From The Ceiling And See Bradley Cooper

I have been ditching the gym lately for something way funner. My new favorite hobby is aerial silks. For those of you who don't know what aerial silks are, it's basically long sheets of fabric hung from the ceiling that circus acrobats swing from.

I have been watching videos of aerial silks for weeks now, and it looked so easy, so I was like I can do it!!

WRONG

I purchased my first set of aerial silks a week ago and when I got them, I could not even stand on the damn thing let alone lift my entire body weight.

Stupid aerial silks! The people in the YouTube videos made it look so easy! Well I wasn't going to give up..nooo way.

So after a few falls, many bruises, and an achey back I finally got the hang of it. And you know what? I think I look pretty damn good doing it too.

Here is my first attempt of doing an upside down split (Notice I'm holding my breathe hoping I won't do a face plant. Oh, and look at London looking at me as if I was a crazy upside down person. Silly dog).



I am lucky enough not to have a plain drywall ceiling which would make it impossible to hang the aerial silks. Instead, I have an exposed ceiling with wooden support beams running across. These support beams are sturdy enough to hold my entire body weight so I don't plummet to my death.

Two videos I took of my new moves that took me about a week to learn.

Another cool thing I got to do last week was meet Bradley Cooper! Ok, I didn't actually come up to him and say hi or anything, but thanks to EW's friend who owns the restaurant "Dolce" that they were filming in, we got to go onto the set of his new movie and stand about 10 feet away from him hah!

If you don't know who Bradley Cooper is, go watch "The Hangover" like right now! He is gorgeous.



Too bad Robert De Niro wasn't shooting that day. EW would have loved to meet him.

I did get a photo of the equipment outside the set (blurry because taken with my phone). All of their equipment took up about 2 blocks of parking space.



It was really nice out that day. I love how beautiful the weather has been recently. We still have our cool days but when the sun is shining it just feels so nice. This is the time of the year when I get to take my children our for long walks in the park. And best of all I don't have to dress them up in clothes anymore. In the winter they won't go outside without a sweater because their little under bellies are hairless.



I also get to wear my little tiny outfits at this time of year when I go out at night (not that I don't either way hah). But dragging a jacket along with me when it's cold just plain sucks. I always end up leaving my jackets somewhere. Last year I lost a Patrizia Pepe long trench coat and a beautiful Michael Kors coat that EW had bout me.

Tiny outfits that I wore out this weekend

In other news, EW and I have a new trip planned for the end of May which I am so so super excited about! I have been begging him to go to this place for like a year and we finally bought the tickets. I'm not allowed to say where yet but here are a few hints - crocodiles, crawfish, and beignets!!!

Can you guess where I'm going??!?

Paradise in Puerto Rico, Scottsdale And Vegas

I just realized that I haven’t written in my blog for a long time. Too long if you ask me. So this will be a super long post with tons of photos for your viewing pleasure.

So what is my great reason for not writing? Well, I have been traveling a lot with EW lately. Yes, we have been quite the little jet setters. Unfortunately EW was all business business most of the time, but we did get to enjoy some quality time together.

Our first stop was in San Juan, Puerto Rico where we got to test out our new Olympus 12 megapixel camera which just happens to be waterproof. We spent close to an hour taking silly underwater photos and videos.

Most of them turned out goofy like these.

But we did get one good shot! It’s like underwater ballet

Then, we took a mini 6 person plane to Vieques because that’s the only way you can reach the island. Or you can take a ferry, but who wants to take a long boring ferry? Not me!

Look! I got to sit in the co-pilot’s seat!

And I got to wear cool pilot headphones with a mini microphone attached. The pilot and I had a secret conversation during the flight and noone else could hear. hah!

EW had to sit all the way in the back for even weight distribution but it was ok since it was only a 30 minute flight.

View from my special co-pilot seat.

When we got to the Vieques airport, there was a separate air conditioned section for guests staying at the W Hotel Retreat where we were given complimentary espressos, brownies, apples and various yummy pastries while we waited for our shuttle bus.

After being dropped off at the hotel, we entered the lobby and let me tell you, it is one of the most beautiful hotels I have ever seen in my life. The W Hotel in Miami is still number 1 in my book, but this was a close contender. The lobby was built in an open air format which I loved. It was just perfect for the location.

The hotel manager came out to personally greet us at arrival and gave us a wonderful present to take home. Being Starwood Platinum is awesome sometimes!

Me hanging out in the lobby while EW checked us in.

A fire pit right outside the lobby to keep warm at night (not that you need it)

The endless pool where we spent many hours tanning and drinking mojitos.

I can go on and on about how amazing this hotel is but honestly it’s easier to just post pictures. WHAT? I’m lazy!

EW bought this bikini for me a few days before the trip. He had originally purchased a white one with red polka dots and I told him I don’t want to look like a damn mushroom cap so he exchanged it for this lovely baby pink one. Notice the matching headband..so cute!

We had to rent a car during our stay here since the island doesn’t have any cabs which I thought was so strange. And the only car you can rent is a Jeep because of the rough terrain. At first I was hesitant because Jeeps look dangerous to me, but I quickly learned how fun it is to stick your head out of a Jeep while EW is speeding. Bumpy but fun!

With the help of the Jeep we were able to reach a super secluded beach called Blue Beach. It was completely empty and I was able to swim and tan topless finally! Sorry but you only get to see the non-topless version of this photo!

The best part of the trip had to be the bio-luminescent bay. I got to cross it off of my life list. It was more magical than a night at Disney World. Seriously I know that sounds stupid but it was just unbelievable. We kayaked into the middle of the bay in the pitch black. We all jumped in, and that’s when the magic happened. All 20 of us began to glow a bright bright neon blue. The harder we kicked our legs, the more little blue stars dispersed from our bodies.

Unfortunately it is near impossible to capture this phenomenon on camera, and forget about trying to videotape it. You literally have to be there to see it.

I did get one photo in the kayak, but you pretty much can’t see anything except for me and my tan, muscular arms. And no makeup! No deodorant even because chemicals from products kills the algae that produce the glow.

Me not wanting to leave on the day of departure. Damn you comfy lounging bed! You’re too comfy.

We headed to Scottsdale and Vegas soon after so I didn’t mind leaving too much. Scottsdale and Vegas can be summed up in just a few words:

Boobs…botox…girls…alcohol…and more boobs.

We stayed at the W Hotel in Scottsdale and at the Wynn in Vegas

Here is a video of EW and I goofing around in Vieques.