July 13, 2009

Drunk Girls Have More Fun

I work at nightclubs and bars for a living and I get to see more drunk girls in one night than any person needs to see in a lifetime. There are many types of drunk girls, and each one has their own characteristics.

The following are the types of drunk girls I see every night.

(I am not going to list the obvious – the crying drunk, the passed out drunk, the messy drunk, or the fake lesbian after happy hour drunk.)

1. The Jealous Drunk

This girl is very insecure about herself, usually the pretty girl, and she will do anything to put down another pretty girl that might steal her limelight. This is the girl that points at the nightclub dancers and whispers to her friends about how “ugly” they are, when in reality, she would need to lose 10 lbs to look half as decent as the dancer. She then tries to out dance the dancer by jiggling her ass and spilling her cosmo all over the place. If a prettier girl is in her area, she gives her the evil eye and asks her friends to validate that she is hotter than that “ugly ho”. This is the most obvious drunk girl to me because of her love to make fun of the dancers.

2. The Wannabe-Club Dancer Drunk

She is easy to spot because she is always dancing on a table, a couch, a shoebox, basically anything she can find to elevate herself so she is noticed by other guys. She is the girl that will jump up on the dance podium the moment the dancer gets off. Sometimes she even tries to get on while the dancer is still dancing on it, and in the process almost pushes her off. She loves to bring her girl friends up to dance on the tables with her because she knows that two girls get more attention than one. If guys start to photograph her, she makes it even “hotter” by kissing her girl friends or posing in a sexual position with her boobs hanging out. I like these drunk girls because they are amusing to watch and makes my job more entertaining.

3. The Conceited Drunk

She may be the hottest girl in the club, but as soon as she opens her mouth everyone within a 10 mile radius cringes. She thinks she is God’s gift to the world and everyone MUST think the same. She almost never gets approached by men because they are too afraid, and this enrages her even more. But when they do approach her, she ignores them because they are not hot/wealthy/cool enough. The world is against this girl and her delusional mind, but she seems to be oblivious to it all. She expects VIP treatment where ever she goes and causes a scene when she doesn’t get it. The more she drinks the more conceited she gets, and the only reason that she has friends is because they like the attention they get from guys when she is around.

4. The Horny Drunk

These girls are the ones that try to fuck anything that moves. She can be split into two categories: the one who actually gets laid, and the one who goes home alone. Horny drunks are sometimes, but not always, slutty drunks that are going to fuck a guy at the end of the night, regardless of their level of attractiveness or martial status. She is often the least socially acceptable of all the drunks, but, more often than not, the most desired.

5. The Fake Drunk

This girl sips on Red Bull all night and always comments on how strong her drink is. She makes sure everyone knows how “drunk” she is when in reality she is as sober as a Mormon on Sabbath. What is the reason behind this big act? She can act stupid and slutty and everyone thinks it’s just the alcohol. She is a very good liar and a talented actress. These girls are very easy to spot if you are sober as well, as they have moments when they are not in the act.

There are many more types of drunks, but these are the top 5 that I encounter every night. What type of drunk are you?


Michael said...

LMFAO that's hilarious. My girlfriend is a jealous drunk. haha

Jazz said...


I love your blog, but can you add a subscribe feature so I know when you make a new post?

Jewelz said...

@Jazz - I'm working on the subscribe feature. Stay tuned!

AlexAxe said...

Super post, Need to mark it on Digg

ColorJunkie said...

LUV it! i hated when girls use to jump on stage with me cuz they just wanted to hump....horrible.

Great writing!

SergeyNikolaev said...

Nice post — this really hits home for me.

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Sdanektir said...

Sorry but I don’t share most of these ideas.

Vivalkakira said...

I love her blog too!!! She has amazing clothes!! And I want her hair !!!

VitalikGromovss said...

Are you from San Diego?

dimagromovfoto said...

Nice site. go to my favorites. TNx

Kevin said...

I find it hilarious that the person leaving that comment justifies her own existence and self worth by who she married.
.-= Kevin´s last blog ..Blizzard of 2010 =-.

the man said...

I totally a agree. I own most the places this P.I.A comes too. The only reason we even let her in is for her MAN'S MONEY. I would like to take this time and thank him for marrying a woman who LOVES to spend HIS money.

This post was right on the mark and well crafted.

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