I Am Jewelz: February 2010

February 16, 2010

I Kissed Tiger Woods in Hollywood

I have never experienced so many different environments in such short a time as I did last week. I went from the dry, barren deserts of Arizona to the warm tropical air of California to the snow blizzard in Pennsylvania all in seven days. EW ended up spending $5,000 on our week long trip, but it was well worth it!

As much as I hate shelling out $22 for every cocktail, I would have to say that Hollywood was my favorite place to visit. I didn’t get to see any celebrities though...damn it! What is up with that? You would think they would be standing on every corner.

Here are a few things I learned on my LA/Scottsdale trip:

-Tiger Woods is hot so I decided to be his next mistress.
-You can look sexy while climbing a mountain...ok maybe I was posing a little bit.

-Cheese steaks at Philadelphia Sandwich Company are better than Pat’s and Geno’s

-Film crews have access to places you do not! So special they are.

-The W Hotel has crystal encrusted peep holes! This idea will be incorporated into my dream house.

-Dying in a scene from “Psycho” can be done in style...with Dior sunglasses on.

-EW thinks I am a pain in the ass while mountain climbing. Well I think he shouldn't be running down the stairs with a camera in his hands :) Safety first!

-The W Hotel in Scottsdale has Hugh Hefner-esque rotating beds to lounge on. I do not know why I was enamored with them, but I was, and spent quite some time on them.

February 13, 2010

My Dogs Are Better Than The Men I Date

A dog is for life

Dogs admit when they're jealous
When a guy is jealous of another man, he will deny it like his life depends on it. When Gucci gets jealous of another man touching me, he will snap and growl and claim his territory! It makes me feel so wanted and loved.

Dogs are easy to buy for
I can’t tell you how many times I have bought something for a guy only for him to stuff it into the back of his closet and never use it again. But when I shop for London and Gucci, I know for a fact that as long as whatever I buy is either fluffy and squeaky or meaty, they will absolutely love it.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas
OK, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops
I can rarely force a man to go clothes shopping with me. But dogs will patiently wait for you and they will never criticize your purchases afterward.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius
When I microwave a hot dog, Gucci and London stare at it like I just cooked the tastiest meal on Earth. And if I happen to give them a few bites, they praise the ground I walk on for the rest of the day and call me the Iron Chef of Philadelphia.

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the woman
London is the fart machine in our family, and when he lets one go he just stares at his ass for a few seconds and then goes back to sleep. He fully acknowledges that he is the one that stunk up the room. Men are always trying to put the blame on you.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you
A kiss from a dog says "I love you, I love you, do you love me? Because I love you!". A kiss from a guy says "Will you blow me tonight and massage my back until I fall asleep leaving you unsatisfied?".

Dogs don't mind having a pink wardrobe
Both of my dogs are male and both have wardrobes that consist of pink and glittery outfits. And let me tell you, neither of them have complained once. I once bought a pink shirt for my boyfriend, and he looked at is as if I was punking him. As the saying goes, only a real man can wear pink and look good!

We be gangsta Yo!

February 10, 2010

Foods I Love To Eat, That You Hate To Eat

I grew up in a Ukrainian family where my grandma cooked real Ukrainian cuisine. Most of the food I ate was pretty normal, but a few things that I grew to love were nowhere near normal. I ate these foods as a kid, back before I realized most people thought they were gross foods. If I had never eaten these foods as a kid, and had been offered them in adulthood, there is no way I would have tried them.

Here are the foods I love to eat, that you hate to eat:

Caviar (fish eggs) – Most people in the US think of caviar as a delicacy and only have it at fancy cocktail parties. But in Ukraine, having caviar in your fridge is like having milk in your fridge. It's a necessity. My favorite is red caviar on top of a buttered baguette. YUM! Caviar on a thin crepe is pretty damn good as well.

Canned Sprats – Sprats are delicious on bread and butter, but I prefer to eat them right out of the can. Although I can never eat a fish with its head still attached, sprats are the one exception. Growing up, we always had a can or two in the fridge to snack on.

Fried Liver – This meat has a very gamey taste that most hate. In fact, liver was voted the # 1 most hated food in America. When I was served this as a child I never knew it was liver, therefore I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Chicken Hearts – Chicken hearts are small and tough. They almost taste gamey and metallicy. But, they have something about them that I really like. Maybe it’s the fact that you can pop them into your mouth like little popcorn kernels.

Meat Jelly – This dish looks absolutely disgusting, but it is delicious with some spicy red horse radish on the side. It consists of random pieces of meat congealed in a meat based stock.

Milk Soup – It’s so simple. Noodles + warm milk + sugar + butter = the best breakfast ever created!

Cow Tongue – If I knew that what I was eating when I was a kid was a cow tongue, I would have probably puked in my mouth. To me, this was just another random delicious meat that my granny made me. It was in fact cow tongue sliced into thin, porous, chewy pieces with taste buds and all. I still eat it to this day while trying to block out the reality of what I’m actually eating.

Bone Cartilage – 99.9% of people eat the meat off of the chicken bone and throw out the rest. Ukrainians believe that the shiny hard stuff on the end of the bone is the best part of the chicken leg. And guess what? They are right! Not only is it very healthy for you, but the crunchy goodness of it is so satisfying that I’m craving some this very moment.

February 02, 2010

Sunshine, Ocean and Mojitos

So, I just returned from another magnificent mini vacation from San Juan, Puerto Rico. I returned to below freezing temperatures in Philadelphia and I am not too happy about it. Thankfully, I am headed to Scottsdale on Thursday and then off to LA for 5 days. It won’t be warm enough to get a tan at either of those places, but 70 degrees is much better than the 20 degrees I am currently experiencing!
Anyway, back to the trip, it was one of my favorite PR trips of all time because EW only had to work one day and we got to spend a lot of time together. And I got oh so close to crossing one of the things off of my life list (hang gliding), but the sucky weather prevented us from jumping off the cliff. At least I got to stand on the cliff! Even though I almost peed my pants.

So here are some of memorable moments from my trip to sunshine heaven.

-Getting an insanely good shot of me jumping on the beach. I was drunk when it was taken and everyone was staring at me like I was a little bit crazy in the head. But the shot was worth it!

-Dinner at Delirio, a beautiful restaurant located in a huge, red mansion. Mmmm, the seared tuna, scallops, lime risotto, mashed yucca, cod ceviche, beef fajita salad, chocolate truffle goodness of it all.

-Stopping in the middle of the jungle to eat some real Puerto Rican food cooked in some locals’ front yard.

-EW getting so drunk the on first day that he started doing cartwheels in the water. (If you look closely you can see his iphone slipping out of his pocket and falling into the sand)

-Partying at Brava, the hottest nightclub in PR located conveniently inside our hotel. This club made me decide that Puerto Rican woman are unfairly beautiful, and I want one for Christmas!