July 26, 2009

Beach Day

While tanning on my beach chair today, I people watched for a little bit and noticed 3 beach fashion statements that I just don’t get.

1. The One-Piece Bikini
This has always been my favorite type of bathing suit and I think they are very sexy, but how on Earth do you tan while wearing one? Your tan line would kind of look like you got a hard-on while tanning (If a girl could) and then fell asleep. I just don’t think a skunk stripe going up your belly is very attractive.

2. The Micro Bikini
I’m sure most guys will disagree with me on this one, but I think it’s disgusting when females with huge breasts wear barely there bikini tops. Don’t get me wrong, I think large breasts are beautiful and definitely need to be shown off, but not with a nipple pasty that’s imitating a bikini top! I saw quite a few of these girls on the beach and they all seemed to be in their late 30’s. Can we say “mid-life crisis breast augmentation” show offs!

3. The Saggy Butt
There is absolutely no excuse for girls to have bikini bottoms that look like they have taken a dump in them. With the wonderful invention of the Brazilian-cut and scrunchy-butt bikini bottoms, every girl should have a form fitting bikini bottom at the beach.

July 20, 2009

Philly Hot List

I worked at the Philadelphia Style Magazine “Hot List” party last week and it was, as usual, one of my favorite events to dance at. Many different restaurants in the city set up stands that offer free food samples and drinks for all of the event attendees. And although I was not able to try any of the food (I can’t eat before I dance because I get bloated and begin to look pregnant), I did sample two milkshake cocktails which were delicious. Unfortunately I forgot which vendor the drinks came from so I cannot give any credit to them.

Kristiann and I were dancing for Zee Bar so we were stationed at the entrance of their private smoking lounge. Every time we went up to dance, the lounge would quickly fill up with people so we definitely did our job well. It seemed like every 5-10 minutes someone I know would come up to me and say hi while I was dancing. That is one thing I love about Philadelphia, it’s a large city but everyone seems to know each other.

I also had at least 10 different people come up to me to notify me that they were friends with me on Facebook. Which got me thinking, if I have over 1,500 friends on Facebook from my area, what are the chances of one of them being a murderer/pervert/rapist? Probably a really good chance! And my posting where I work every night on Facebook is probably not a very good idea! Oh well, it is what it is.

After working at the event, I headed to Zee Bar’s official after party with Kristiann and my friends. We all had an amazing time there and I got to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in a long time. We definitely drank WAY too much, but it was all in good fun. I tried to teach Kristiann some salsa moves (I learned some in Mexico a couple months ago) but she was way too drunk and looked kind of funny doing it. And later I got into an interesting conversation with a police sergeant guy who carried 9/11 photographs with him. Weird man.

When we were all ready to go home, sitting in the car, my friend mentioned to me how the police sergeant guy I was talking to had a passport that looked just like mine. So I looked into my purse and saw that my passport was missing! Next, came the drunken scavenger hunt for my passport. I stayed in the car hoping it would be found since I do not have a state ID (I left it at a gas station when I was 19 and never felt like getting a new one). Thankfully it was found pretty quickly and the sergeant apologized for mixing the ID up with his 9/11 photos. Ye Right! All in all, it was a great night in the city of Philadelphia.

In other news, I will be a judge at this years Diamond G-string event at Delilah's! The winner will also be crowned Miss Exotica Pennsylvania, so come out to Delilah's Wednesday night!

July 14, 2009

Fashion Sense

Every major city that I visit has a completely different fashion style. An outfit I would normally wear to a club in Miami would never work in Philadelphia. Likewise, an outfit I would wear in New York, most likely would be to plain for Las Vegas. I do not have four separate wardrobes but I do restrict myself from wearing certain things in certain cities. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to be able to travel a lot, so all of my outfits get to be worn a fair amount. Here is how I separate my different outfits:

The “Miami slutty-ho” look is totally in style in South Beach, and will guarantee you entrance into any club of your choosing. Hell, even girls walking their dogs are sporting the sexy, skimpy look. Another popular trend in Miami is very short, very tight, micro- shorts with stilettos. You cannot go wrong with this look, especially if you have the legs for it. The Miami heat gives all of the girls a reason to wear as little clothes as possible. Oh, how I love my Miami clothes!

New York
New York is all about black no matter how many people want to deny it. New York may be the fashion capital of the US, but the majority of the public is one huge blob of black. Now this isn’t a bad thing because it’s not so much about the color, it’s about how you wear the color. New York is one of the most creative and diverse cities I have ever been to, and some of the fashion styles I have witnessed are incredible. Every girl has the perfect little black dress and knows how to make it look glam, sexy and classy. Match it with a pair of “sex red” stilettos, and you will break necks on the streets.

Philadelphia is a much more casual and conservative version of New York. The dress codes at the nightclubs and bars are not as strict thus many people lack in the style department. A girl who has great fashion sense and is well put together can easily steal the show anywhere she goes because there are not many of these girls in the city. If you attempt to wear a “Miami” outfit in Philadelphia, people will stare at you and wonder which strip club you just got done working at. You can blame the lack of style on the cold weather, but I blame it on people’s general laziness.

Las Vegas
Las Vegas is the city of entertainment, and your outfits need to be as entertaining as the city. Las Vegas gives you the chance to go wild and not give a shit what people think of you. Trust me, your outfit cannot be any sillier than the 20 thousand bachelorettes wearing penis hats on their heads. So, bring out your crazy sparkly dress and that pink wig you never wore, and get crazy in Vegas!

Guido Guys

I have been spending a lot of time in Atlantic City this summer and I have never seen so many Guidos all in one place. The Guido stereotype is often portrayed as humorously thuggish with an overtly macho attitude and an unyielding pride in his Italian ancestry. Many Guidos have gelled, spikey hair, are tanned orange, have a steroid physique, and love pink polo shirts with the collar popped. They usually wear gold chains, spend way more money than they have, and are obnoxiously cocky. The only people that can actually stand these guys are the female versions, the Guidettes.

This is extremely embarrassing to say, but I used to be attracted to Guidos back when I was 18/19 and stupid. All young girls get sucked into the “I’m bad” and “I’m cool” type of guy, but it wears off quick as soon as the girl grows up and learns a few things. Now they are just fascinating to me and I especially love watching them dance.

Here are some extremely important rules to being a true Guido:

1. If your last name is not Italian, blatantly lie and make one up that sounds good enough to convince a bimbo girl to think you have mob ties oozing out your pores.

2. All eyebrows must be waxed to a perfect 90 degree angle.

3. Make sure you tell the young impressionable girl you’re trying to sleep with that you can get her and her friends a bottle in the VIP even though you only scrape about $325.00 a week delivering pizzas.

4. You must wear a sweatband on one forearm because it looks good.

5. You must claim to come from a rich family even if your father is a mailman.

6. You must play either hard core techno music or house music in your car and nothing else even if your have an urge to play something else.

7. You must claim to have “connections” with the nightclub bouncer even though he only knows you as “buddy.”

8. You must go tanning as often as humanly possible.

9. You must begin juicing in mid February to get in peak balloon condition by Memorial Day Weekend.

10. You must still live at home with your mommy and daddy in order to save enough money to lease a low end BMW or Mercedes Benz.

Well there you have it. Below is a photo of a Guido trying to copy my photograph, WTF?

July 13, 2009

Drunk Girls Have More Fun

I work at nightclubs and bars for a living and I get to see more drunk girls in one night than any person needs to see in a lifetime. There are many types of drunk girls, and each one has their own characteristics.

The following are the types of drunk girls I see every night.

(I am not going to list the obvious – the crying drunk, the passed out drunk, the messy drunk, or the fake lesbian after happy hour drunk.)

1. The Jealous Drunk

This girl is very insecure about herself, usually the pretty girl, and she will do anything to put down another pretty girl that might steal her limelight. This is the girl that points at the nightclub dancers and whispers to her friends about how “ugly” they are, when in reality, she would need to lose 10 lbs to look half as decent as the dancer. She then tries to out dance the dancer by jiggling her ass and spilling her cosmo all over the place. If a prettier girl is in her area, she gives her the evil eye and asks her friends to validate that she is hotter than that “ugly ho”. This is the most obvious drunk girl to me because of her love to make fun of the dancers.

2. The Wannabe-Club Dancer Drunk

She is easy to spot because she is always dancing on a table, a couch, a shoebox, basically anything she can find to elevate herself so she is noticed by other guys. She is the girl that will jump up on the dance podium the moment the dancer gets off. Sometimes she even tries to get on while the dancer is still dancing on it, and in the process almost pushes her off. She loves to bring her girl friends up to dance on the tables with her because she knows that two girls get more attention than one. If guys start to photograph her, she makes it even “hotter” by kissing her girl friends or posing in a sexual position with her boobs hanging out. I like these drunk girls because they are amusing to watch and makes my job more entertaining.

3. The Conceited Drunk

She may be the hottest girl in the club, but as soon as she opens her mouth everyone within a 10 mile radius cringes. She thinks she is God’s gift to the world and everyone MUST think the same. She almost never gets approached by men because they are too afraid, and this enrages her even more. But when they do approach her, she ignores them because they are not hot/wealthy/cool enough. The world is against this girl and her delusional mind, but she seems to be oblivious to it all. She expects VIP treatment where ever she goes and causes a scene when she doesn’t get it. The more she drinks the more conceited she gets, and the only reason that she has friends is because they like the attention they get from guys when she is around.

4. The Horny Drunk

These girls are the ones that try to fuck anything that moves. She can be split into two categories: the one who actually gets laid, and the one who goes home alone. Horny drunks are sometimes, but not always, slutty drunks that are going to fuck a guy at the end of the night, regardless of their level of attractiveness or martial status. She is often the least socially acceptable of all the drunks, but, more often than not, the most desired.

5. The Fake Drunk

This girl sips on Red Bull all night and always comments on how strong her drink is. She makes sure everyone knows how “drunk” she is when in reality she is as sober as a Mormon on Sabbath. What is the reason behind this big act? She can act stupid and slutty and everyone thinks it’s just the alcohol. She is a very good liar and a talented actress. These girls are very easy to spot if you are sober as well, as they have moments when they are not in the act.

There are many more types of drunks, but these are the top 5 that I encounter every night. What type of drunk are you?

July 09, 2009

Kim Kardashian

A couple months ago, I got booked to dance at an event hosted by Kim Kardashian at 46 Lounge. I got super excited because I have always wanted to meet her in person. I personally do not like the way heavier woman look but she carries her weight very well and always looks flawless. Her fashion style is also very classy; she never shows too little or too much, and I like that a lot. Yes, she is famous for absolutely no reason, but she sure knows how to market herself and her brand. And on top of that, she seems to be a genuinely nice person.

So when I got to 46 Lounge, the place was pretty empty with about 50 people standing at the bar. And within an hour, the line to the club was wrapped around the corner of the building. They must have packed in double the amount of people they are allowed to have. The people were packed in so tight, I thanked god I was working that night and didn’t have to stand in the crowd. I had to have a bouncer escort/carry me to my podium because there was no way I was making it on my own.

While I was dancing, I noticed a group of Asian people in a bottle service booth snapping photos of me. I get that every night, so I didn’t think anything of it. But then I started to notice that they were pointing at me with excited looks on their faces. Weird? All of a sudden I heard “keeeeem, keeeem!” Did they seriously think I was Kim Kardashian??? I don’t look a thing like her, and what would she be doing dancing on a podium? So I yelled back at them that I wasn’t Kim but the music was so loud they couldn’t hear a thing I was saying. So after posing for a few photos, I awkwardly continued to dance with them staring in awe.

Kim Kardashian arrived later in the night, about 2 hours later than she was scheduled to. The insanity that ensued is too much to describe. People were pushing, shoving even slapping each other out of the way just to get a glimpse of her. I was standing well above the crowd so I had a perfect view of all that was happening. Everyone had a camera or cell phone out trying to snap a photo of her. It took her a while before she reached her VIP table. Luckily, I was dancing right behind her, so I could see what she was up to.

She ended up spending the entire night at her table taking photos with her fans. She was happy and bubbly and seemed to want to please everyone. I was pleasantly surprised by her attitude and how nice she seemed. Another thing I noticed was how tiny she was. It’s really true that the camera adds 10 lbs because she looked so much thinner than on her show. She was very short and seemed to be in good shape. I never did get to take a photo with her, but I’m sure I will during a future event. Below are a few photos from the event and a video of Kim and I. (I’m the dancer, duh).

July 08, 2009

Michael Jackson

Have you ever been asked the question “Where were you during 9/11?" Well, the new question that seems to be going around is “Where were you when you found out Michael Jackson died”.

I was in the middle of taking a shower when one of my dancers texted me asking if she could dress up as MJ on the weekend since he’s dead and all. I reread that text about 6 times not really understanding what the hell she was talking about. I figured she must be talking about his dead career. After several more minutes of shampooing my hair, I began to wonder if she was being serious. I just had to find out, so I jumped out of the shower and ran to my laptop to Google it. I went onto MJ’s Wiki page and did not see a death date. After sighing a HUGE sigh of relief, I Googled it once more. And there it was, TMZ had officially announced his death. WTF? I went back to his Wiki page, and the page had miraculously refreshed itself to show his death date.

I think I stared at the screen for several minutes before moving again. Michael Jackson had been my idol growing up. I used to curl up in my bed for hours watching his concerts. I was always so moved by his passion for his art even though I was too young to understand what I was hearing. At the age of 10, my cousin and I would choreograph dance performances around “Thriller” and we would practice for hours. We even stuffed one of those huge pumpkin trash bags as a prop. He was the only performer I have ever been captivated by and I don’t think it’s fair that he had to leave us when he had so much left to give.

While watching his ceremony today, I felt it was very respectful but a little bit boring, until his daughter Paris went up to speak. I cried so hard when she broke into tears while mourning her father. My father lost his life before I ever got to know him, and I can feel her pain and the emptiness she must feel. As a little tribute to MJ, I had my dancers dress up as him at Pearl for the “Face the Music” event hosted by WildinOut.com